“Would You Kindly” Choose Yourself? Musings from a Recovering People-Pleaser
Guest article contribution by Flow Breathwork Facilitator Bernadette Nimsoun
“You didn’t bring any value to the department.” The words struck me like a violent punch to my gut. Despite what I had accomplished, I was told that I would not be receiving a promotion. The hours spent and the passion for the work I was doing … none of it mattered. My sense of self-worth was shattered. And even then, although I didn’t yet have the language for it, my twisted logic as a chronic people-pleaser had me blaming myself.
I didn’t realize it, but I was trapped in a relentless cycle of people-pleasing and self-abandonment. I chased approval and validation, jumping through flaming hoops to be liked, even responding to microaggressions with a gentle smile – just to feel safe and accepted. This ultimately led to a devastating burnout, a complete disconnection from my core self, and the crushing end of my professional desires. I felt lost, broken, and most of all, trapped.
It was 2019, and this is when my unexpected adventure that would compel me to learn about breathwork and nervous system regulation began. It’s a journey from burnout and emptiness to radical self-love, nurturing boundaries, and a life where my desires come first. And this journey isn't just for me. It's for anyone ready to break free from the chains of people-pleasing and self-abandonment to boldly step into their full, authentic power.
If you've ever felt suffocated by the need to make everyone happy and comfortable, if you find that you often sacrifice your own well-being because you don’t want to let anyone down, this is your invitation to exhale a little bit.
What is People-Pleasing?
People-pleasing is often described as a pattern of behavior where someone consistently prioritizes the needs of others over their own, even when it causes discomfort or distress. A 2018 poll by YouGov found that women are more likely to identify as people-pleasers than men (29% vs 20%). It’s a well-researched behavior pattern that we know stems from psychological factors, childhood experiences, and societal and cultural conditioning. Personally, my people-pleasing behaviors were driven by my deep-seated desire to belong because of the psychological implications of my childhood experiences.
Do any of these resonate with you?
A nagging sense of discontent
Constant fear of rejection or disapproval
Aversion to conflict and confrontation
Lack of personal boundaries
Always saying "yes," even when you’re screaming "no" inside
An overwhelming or often debilitating fear of upsetting others
The Nervous System Connection
People-pleasing isn't just a personality quirk; it's often rooted in a dysregulated nervous system. We crave safety and belonging, and when those needs aren't met, our bodies get stuck in a stress response; we’re in survival mode. This chronic state of fight, flight, freeze, or fawn keeps us hypervigilant and constantly seeking external validation.
For many of us, people-pleasing has become a survival mechanism – a way to avoid conflict and maintain a sense of connection and safety, even if superficial. And what does this superficial sense of safety cost? Just our true sense of Self. We disconnect from our core essence. Over time, you may find your identity, purpose, and value tied up in one external factor or another that has little to do with what you actually desire.
Breathwork: A Path to Liberation
Breathwork has been a lifesaver for me and countless others. Modern research is catching up to what indigenous traditions have known for millennia: the healing power of the breath and its profound ability to support nervous system regulation. By consciously controlling our breath, we tap into our body's innate ability to shift from stressed to calm. It’s from this state of calm in our nervous system where we can access our intuition, gain clarity, and connect to our genuine confidence.
While breathwork helps us build the resilience to flow through the challenges of change and the courage to break free from old patterns, remember that it’s a tool, not a magic wand. Real and sustainable healing commands a commitment to self-awareness, courage to do the work of integration, and a deep desire to reclaim your power.
Practical Steps for Your Journey
Start Small: Begin with a simple breathwork practice that you can easily incorporate into your daily routine. Try this free 7-day guided breathwork to start.
Be Patient: It takes time to rewire deeply ingrained patterns. Celebrate small victories and be kind to yourself along the way. My favorite note to self: “Meet yourself where you are.” Every step in this journey counts!
Embrace Discomfort: Saying "no" and choosing yourself will feel unfamiliar at first. Remember, you're not responsible for everyone's happiness, but you are responsible for your own.
Find Your People: Surround yourself with emotionally safe people who respect your boundaries and support your growth. Consider a working with a coach, mentor, or join a community of like-minded healers.
When you include breathwork into your self-development and healing journey, here are some things you can expect:
Improved overall sense of well-being
Enhanced clarity and intuition
Increased emotional resilience
Confidence and self-trust in decision-making
Your Path to Self-Love
Healing from people-pleasing is a winding journey of self-discovery. With breathwork, we tap into our inner wisdom, regulate our nervous systems, and cultivate the courage to live in alignment with our core values and desires. Give yourself permission to break free from the chains of self-abandonment and step into a life where you matter to yourself.
Remember that YOU are worthy of love, respect, and boundaries. Breath by breath, you reclaim your power every time you CHOOSE YOUR SELF.
Bernadette is a Flow Breathwork Facilitator + Mentor, a certified complex PTSD recovery coach, and a certified mystic astrologer. She is a daughter of Filipino immigrants and the first in her lineage born away from The Philippines. Healing through her childhood experiences fuels her current desire for intergenerational healing, ancestral veneration, and the reclamation of our sensual bodies. She loves to play with creative expression through music, writing, and doodling.
Learn more about her offerings at www.ravenbeerosehealingarts.com
